What I want

They say that you can't always get what you want. I finally understand the meaning of that. When one says you cannot always have what you want, it does not necessarily pertain to material things. Material things can easily be replaced or substituted for another object of desire. When an emotional want is left unfulfilled, however, you are left in a state of complete emotional turmoil.

For instance, when a relationship fades and the other party doesn't give you a reason other than, 'it's not you, it's me', you start questioning every moment, every word, every action. Doubt starts to form in your heart and in your head. You start analyzing everything that they may have told you, and everything you shared. Had your feelings been one sided this whole time? Were you not pretty or smart enough? Could you have done something different? These are all questions that we start asking ourselves. These are all questions that I've asked myself. 

Now you are probably wondering what is it that I want? Is it the relationship? Is it the guy? Is it the fairytale ending? What my heart longs for are answers; how did we get to this point and why? Were his feelings legitimate or where they all sweet lies meant for a single purpose? Was I drafted as one of the many?

What hurts the most is not the loss of something I considered special, but the shock of it all. Out of the blue, I was rudely awakened from this beautiful dream and brought into this nightmare.

The saying is true; I may never get the answers I'm looking for, and I'm slowly beginning to accept it. I've always prided myself on having very few regrets. I would not say that this entire experience has been in vain, but given the choice, knowing the outcome, I don't know if I would do it again. As there can be no do-overs, we have to choose to live in the past or trudge forward. I choose to leave my unanswered questions and my broken heart in the past and move on to a brighter, happier future...one day at a time.

Loneliness by Alexandra Bazile

Things are spinning out of control
I want to scream
I want to shout
But no one seems to hear my cries.
They listen, but are they hearing?

I'm drowning.
Slowly lost in the abyss
Swallowed whole by the pain within

No one hears me
No one cares to hear me.
Happiness they want
Smiles they want
No place for tears
No place for hurt
So I plaster on a smile
And put on a mask
Hide the pain deep inside
Hoping it won't consume me
Loneliness is a real bitch.

Why now?

Hello you! Some people would probably be asking why, after all these years, I finally decided to advertise my blog. Well, for the lack of better words, I grew some balls. I sort out my feelings and thoughts about different topics through written words. These words are very near and dear to my heart and it took a long time to be comfortable with the idea that they may be criticized. You may notice that I don't write about 'happy' things, I may from time to time, however, writing is a vessel to deal with the 'unhappy' things in life. When I feel sad, I write about it and move on. It's almost like therapy. I hope you enjoy what I have written so far.

"Sometimes it takes facing something terrible to find the strength that lies within" -Alexandra Bazile :)

Promises by Alexandra Bazile

Did I do something wrong?
Did I hurt him in any way?
Was he right?
Did I deserve it?

In sickness and in health,
For better or for worse...
Worse...
Can it be worse?

He loves me.
He truly loves me.
Doesn't he?
Shouldn't he?

We promised.
I promised.
Until death do us part,
Wasn’t that our vow?

No more name calling,
No more cruel jokes,
No more ‘stupid’, ‘ugly’ or ‘fat’,
He promised.

He promised it would be the last one,
The last blow.
"No more," he said.
No more hurting, no more bruises, no more pain.

Tomorrow will be better,
I will be better.
He promised.
We promised.

© October 20, 2011, Alexandra Bazile

A cry for help

Why is all this happening?
Why does life have to be so hard?
They say follow your dreams and follow your heart,
Has my heart steered me wrong?

I try to go down a path of righteousness,
Praise the Lord for all my blessings,
But day after day, the world seems to collapse around me.
Where all others strive, I keep falling.

For every step I make, I’m being pulled back.
For every breath I take, suffocation ensues.
Will this pain cease?
Will this void leave?

I am nothing but an empty shell,
Void of emotion,
Lost in a sea of despair and isolation
Nothing but a broken bell.

I scream but no one can hear me
I cry but no one can see me
I matter to no one but myself
But even she has given up on me

I hope for new beginnings,
For times of joyous tidings,
For a turning of the tide,
Where love and happiness resides.

© June 20, 2012, Alexandra Bazile

How do you?

How do you tell someone that you are falling for them?

How do you tell someone that when they smile your whole world stops?

How do you tell someone that they mean more to you than you ever thought anyone could?

How do you tell someone that you wake up every morning thinking about them?

How do you tell someone that you fall asleep every night hoping to dream about them?

How do you tell someone you're falling for them, when you know they aren't falling for you?

How do you tell someone they make your world stops, when they don't notice you?

How do you tell someone how you feel, when they see past you?

How do you tell someone you love them, when they love someone else?

How can you love someone, when you don't even love yourself?

How can you, how can I, how can we?

Will he ever, will I ever?

Will I never?

No.

I won't tell him that I'm falling for him.

I won't tell him that when he smiles my world stops.

I won't tell him that he means more to me that I ever thought anyone could.

I won't tell him that I wake up every morning thinking about him.

I won't tell him that I fall asleep every night thinking about him

No, he will never know.

© September 23, 2009, Alexandra Bazile